Tag Archives: hope

Momma, come sit with me.

‘Momma, come sit with me.’ That’s what my 3 year old said today at lunchtime. He had been picking at his sandwich and sticking around the table after everyone else had went to their rooms for lunch. He gave me that sweet smile with those little blue eyes just a sparkling. Who could resist that smile?

Not me! The neverending To-Do list can wait. The basket of unfolded laundry can wait. The dirty dishes in the sink can wait. The chores that need finished can wait. The millions of other things running through my mind,at any given moment, can wait.

Right now he needs me and he is asking me for my time. I admit that sometimes I feel like I am spread pretty thin. I feel like I just can’t do anything more than what I am doing right now. It’s hard being a Momma.It’s hard being a single Momma. It’s hard being a special needs Momma. It’s hard being a single special needs Momma! Yes, I said it’s hard. It’s almost downright impossible on some days. But then there are the good days or the little moments like this.

The house is quiet-ish as everyone is settling down for naps and/or quiet time. The school work has been finished and put away. He continues to nibble at his sandwich while I grab my glass of watered down iced tea. I sit in the chair next to him and he smiles. A genuinely lit up ear to ear kind of smile. Those little eyes are just dancing with ideas that he wants to tell me.

So he begins by informing me that my feet are in the water. I laugh and pull my feet up and sit cross legged in the chair.

‘Is that better?’, I ask.

‘Yes, Momma, now the sharks can’t get you.’

‘Well that’s a good thing! Thank you so much for warning me.’, I say.

He laughs and then he proceeds to explain to me how a T-Rex would catch a fish. He imitates the T-Rex while eating his fish (peanut butter sandwich) and he laughs a lot. He tells me what he wants for snack later, a dinosaur cupcake from yesterday, and he asks if he and ‘all my friends’ can go outside after naps. He always refers to his brothers and sisters as ‘all my friends’ and he draws a big circle in the air when he says it. It is so cute!

He eats a few more bites and declares he is full. Then he grabs his napkin and attempts to wipe the peanut butter off his face. I help him and he takes off running back to his room before I can finish. He jumps into his bed and curls up with a stuffed toy and his favorite dinosaur toy. Then he closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep. I lean over and give him a quick kiss on the cheek and he giggles.

These are the moments that make my day and give me the momentum I need to get through the tough days. I get a little sad as I know they are all growing up so fast. I know that before long he won’t be asking me to come sit with him anymore. I want to take the time to cherish these little moments and enjoy them while I can.

I walked back to the kitchen to jot down this post so I will have it to look back on in the future. I think about how blessed I am and how precious life is. I am so thankful that God has put me where I am right now. He has given me more than I ever deserved and I know He has so many plans in store for me and my family.

He always knows what we need and when we need it. This morning I read Proverbs 13:4:

It reminds me that I need to keep pressing on towards my goals. I can’t give up and let myself get lazy. I can have hope in knowing that if I stay diligent there will be a reward for all of the hard work I put in here on earth. This little moment with my son was just a taste of that and it was so beautiful! I can’t even begin to imagine what the future may hold for us.

Thank you Lord for your blessings on me and my family!

Who Am I?

I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter, I am a person just like you. All to often we forget that the people who are subjects of the rumors and gossip flying around are people just like you and I. They are someone’s child, parent, sibling, friend or spouse. They are real and they have feelings. When you listen to the tales spun by someone you should always consider the source and what it is that this person may have to gain from speaking out about another. Remember that you are only hearing the side of the story that they want you to hear.
The ones telling the stories try their best to dehumanize the person they are talking about. They make them out to be a horrid monster with no feelings. A witch or a crazy psycho. They put the blame for their problems on the other person and have a fine tale to explain how the other person is responsible for whatever situation they are in. They never stop to consider how their lies will affect the other person, their friends, or their family. When confronted with the truth they will deny ever having said those nasty comments.
If you are drawn in by someone’s sad story please remember that you may become the target of their next sad story. Trust me, I know this all too well.
Before repeating of commenting on the remarks think about what you would do, or how you would feel if that was you they were talking about. What if it were you mother or father? What if it were your child or grandchild? What if it were friend?
I am a not a monster but a flesh and blood human being just like you! I breathe the same air and my heart beats just like the one beating in your chest. I am not perfect nor will I ever be perfect in this lifetime. I cry, I laugh, I have the same struggles as everyone else, maybe a few more. I lose my temper sometimes, I yell, I scream, and sometimes I say things I don’t mean. I have made my share of mistakes, just as you reading this have, and I try my best to learn from those mistakes. I admit that I haven’t always handled every situation with the best of grace but I try.
I am often too trusting, too selfless, too loving, and too patient. I often bend over backwards to help others and make life easier for them. I try to find the good in every one and every situation. Sometimes I try to hard. I usually expect to be treated the way I have treated others. I forget that we are all human and we will all disappoint one another in some way or another. Sometimes I just expect and anticipate too much from those around me and then I am so disappointed and hurt when things don’t turn out the way I had expected.
Lately I am stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I constantly have to push myself to go further and do more than I feel I can. I try not to complain. I have found strength I didn’t know I had.
I have heard so many things about myself that I know are not true. It hurts, it really does. I have cried so much about these lies and rumors. They have caused me so much heartache and more so because one of the people responsible for starting them was someone I love and care about deeply. I never expected this. I never expected to be constantly harassed and humiliated on an almost daily basis now. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad if I had expected it, I don’t know.
Lately I have felt this bitterness creeping up inside of me and it is the most awful feeling. It chokes out all of your peace and joy. It overshadows everything else and makes it impossible for you to see the beauty of what is in front of you. It is a thief and robber.
It told me that I should be angry and upset. After all, I am the one who was left to be the ‘responsible one’. I am the one who is working 24/7 to keep this family going. I am the one who wakes up several times during the night to help the little ones go back to sleep. I am the one who is here dealing with the day to day needs of a large family and dealing with the extra challenges of special needs children. I am the one who sleeps alone in my bed EVERY night and prays for GOD to heal my broken heart. I ask HIM to wake me from this horrible dream. When I open my eyes I am still alone and I have no shoulder to cry on when I realize again and again that this is not a dream. I am the one who was committed and faithful only to have my heart broken time and time again. I am the one who NEVER gets to take a ‘break’ from it all. When I ask for a break I always get the same response, ‘I’m sorry, I’ve got other plans.’.
Then in the darkness of night I know that GOD is there and HE has my back, always has and always will. HE is the greatest comforter of all and HE has the biggest shoulders of anyone. HE understands me completely and HE listens. Without HIM I can do nothing!
Then I look at our family. It brings me to tears. They are a constant reminder of the dreams we had and the promises we made. They don’t deserve this. I try my best to shield them. They know Mommy is sad but they don’t know why. They don’t see the sacrifices I make, they don’t know the pleading and begging I have done to try to change the outcome.
When all else fails there is nothing left to do but to get rid of the bitterness that haunts me. The only way to get rid of the bitterness is to forgive. How do I forgive when I feel like I can’t? I remember the forgiveness that GOD has shown me. I will be the first to admit that I don’t deserve the mercy and grace that my LORD has shown me so many times. I pray that HE will change my heart and help me to forgive when I feel I can’t. With GOD’s help I can forgive even when it seems impossible. I will grant forgiveness even if it hasn’t been asked for.
So right now, I forgive all those who have gossiped about me. I forgive those who have had a hand (and the ones who won’t admit that they did) in the destruction of our marriage. I have been bitter against everyone who has spoken badly about me, those who have encouraged his addictions and selfishness, those who never supported us. I forgive you all even if you don’t want me to. I forgive him for all the things I have been through these past couple of years. Please understand that just because I forgive does not mean I will forget.
I also ask for forgiveness. I must ask that all of the ‘exes’ please forgive me as I, at one time, believed the stories about you. The stories that are all to similar to the stories being told about me. Please know that I apologize for anything I may have believed without getting your side of the story.
I also ask for forgiveness from those who have been affected by the lies and rumors that have been told. Please know that I am deeply sorry that you may have been affected by what was going on in my life. I also forgive anyone who has believed these lies and rumors and those that have contributed to the spreading of them.
I will remember those who have been there for me. I thank each and everyone one of my friends and family for supporting us through this time. You will never know how much I have appreciated each and every one of your thoughts and prayers. Most importantly I thank GOD for giving me the strength to get through this. Its not over yet and even after the legalities are taken care of it still won’t be ‘over’ as we have a family together.
So, Who am I? I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am soon to be the dreaded ‘ex-wife’ and that’s OK. I am still a work in progress but I know GOD is not through with me and I have hope and faith that there are better things to come. I pray that GOD will plant a seed of forgiveness in the heart of everyone who reads this so you can experience the fullness of HIS mercy and grace. If you have never experienced HIS forgiveness I pray that you will and you will understand why I must forgive.

What about today?

Original Blog Post April 24, 2016
I’m having a horrible dream, tossing and turning, and just can’t sleep well. I’m dreaming my husband is gone. He left and he isn’t coming back. I can feel such intense emotions and it feels so real I wake up with tears in my eyes.
I turn and reach for him but he’s not there. Then I realize its not just a dream but reality. Yes, he did walk out. A bit of panic sets in as I once again try to come to terms with the feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The feelings of broken trust and infidelity. The fear of what lies ahead.
How am I supposed to do this? I need someone to help me. He promised to be here. He promised to be a father to our children. He promised to quit drinking. He promised to be faithful to me. He promised to take care of us. But he couldn’t keep those promises so he left.
He is happy, for now. He expects me to sit and wait until this ‘phase’ passes and he feels the urge to change. He admits he may never feel the need to change, but he might, one day.
What about today? What about tonight? I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. I want someone to wipe away my tears. I want to snuggle in the crook of an arm where I fit perfectly. I want to talk about the future and make plans. I want to fall asleep and dream of the memories I want to make to cherish when I’m old.
There is no pause button in LIFE… It just keeps happening whether we want it to or not. It will keep going on and we have to go with it.
I remember some words in a song I heard earlier by Chris Cagle… Breathe in, breathe out… That’s what I do. Take it moment by moment, day by day. That’s all I can do. There might come a day when he wakes up and sees what he left but I don’t know if I’ll still be waiting.
I try to stay busy so I don’t think about it. Its in the dark of the night when the feelings hit the hardest. So I’ll pray. God will listen, he will wipe away my tears, he will replace my fears with hope, and he will be there for me.
Always.

A Good Man

What would be considered a good man? I guess we all could have very different answers to that question. Our answers could even vary depending on when and where are in life.
I think a good man is one who lives his life in a way that no one could question his intentions. The way he lives his life is a reflection of who he truly is on the inside.
Recently I met a man who I believe truly is a ‘good man’. Why do I say this? He is probably one of the sweetest most humble men I have ever come across in my time here on earth. He definitely lives in a way that others would see Jesus in him.
This man is kind and takes care of others. He will help without being asked and gives without expecting to be repaid. I have met others who I thought were like this but he has helped me in so many ways that I could never repay him.
He is full of wisdom. He will take the time to listen and then help you with your problems. I can confide in him without worry of him repeating it.
Is he perfect? No, but he admits his faults and will not blame others when he has made a mistake. He is honest and genuine. He stands by his morals and his character couldn’t be questioned. He is a man of integrity for sure.
He encourages me and I’m sure he encourages others around him to be better people. People have noticed a difference in me since I met him. I am a better person because of knowing him and I thank him for that. (Really, I do thank him a lot and he hasn’t a clue why!)
I thank God for letting our paths cross and letting me know this ‘good man’. Knowing him has given me a newfound hope that our world is not as lost as I thought it was. It is a better place just knowing that there are a few good men still out there.
Hopefully everyone one of us can think of a good man around us. One that we are thankful to have in our lives as a role model, a leader, or as a friend. It can be a brother, a father, a husband, a neighbor, or maybe someone at church.
Can we all take a few minutes and say a prayer for these men of God? We need to pray that God will protect them and guide them along their paths. Pray for strength and wisdom for them to get through the many battles they will face. Pray that they will lead their lives so that others will want to come to know Christ. Also pray that God will find favor in them and will bless them abundantly in this life and in heaven. Amen.
Additional thoughts:
A good man makes you happy. Just think about it, when you talk to him or do things with you then you are left feeling happy. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is about or what activity you will have a sense of genuine happiness just being in contact with this man.
When life gets hard and confusing and you feel like you are helpless he will remind you that you are not. He will bring a breath of fresh air to reignite the embers in your soul so that your light can shine again.