Scars will fade…

Now before you read this please know that I know I’m not the first nor the last woman to have a c-section. I knew going into the latter part of the pregnancy that this was most likely the way we would deliver. I mean I even got a date for our planned c-section.

I thought I was prepared.

I did my research, asked tons of questions, and tried to prepare myself as best I could and I’m so glad I did that. In actuality though nothing can prepare you completely for something like this.

I’m not going into a lot of details right now about the events that led up to Miss Shyanne’s birth but I can say I’d do it a hundred times over if I had too!

Yesterday marked one week since we went to the hospital and delivered. They had put a covering, bio guard?, over the incision so I had not seen it… I’ve definitely felt it though.

When I took my shower last night the covering was starting to come off so I took it off… the doctors had told me it would soon. I couldn’t see the scar because there’s a bit of flabby belly still there and honestly, I was a bit afraid to look.

This morning I decided to check it out because I did need to make sure it looked ok and didn’t need any attention. I wasn’t prepared for that though and I admit that it sent me into a sobbing fit.

It’s ugly and a lot bigger than I expected… there’s nothing pretty about it and it really, really hurts. I know it still has a lot of healing to do and that it will fade but right now it’s a reminder of just how close we came to a completely different outcome.

Even though I wasn’t prepared I am deeply grateful for the doctors who delivered our little one and this scar will forever be a reminder of what we went through and just how tough she is.

It will be a reminder of a time when I felt completely helpless and had to give up my independence for a bit and just trust others to do what needed to be done.

It will be a reminder of how much love and support our friends and family have shown us during this time.

It will be a reminder of how much my husband loves us and proof that he can cook… and do the grocery shopping… and keep up the house… and just be the Mr. Awesome that I already knew he was. I guess I’ll cut him a little slack for leaving his socks all over the place…

I don’t really know why I wrote this today… maybe as a future reminder to myself or maybe in the hopes that it might help someone else out.

Pregnancy and childbirth can be tough no matter what the circumstances. I’m a planner and I felt confident that we had covered most of our bases but then life threw us a fast ball and I wasn’t expecting it.

This pregnancy was unexpected and I never would’ve imagined it would have went as it did because I’d never had any major issues before. Then the delivery went about the same… I’ve always been the one who could go home the same day, or next, and then jump right back into my routines but not this time.

You know what? It’s ok. Everyone has survived even if they did eat a lot of cereal, PB & Js, and tacos.

The routines and schedules we already had in place helped keep the house up and running pretty smoothly. Yes, there have been a few bumps but nothing dreadful. I’ve even been able to rest quite a bit with a houseful of kids.

Having our little one in the NICU is HARD… so very hard and I miss her so very much every minute she isn’t with me but I know that she is being well taken care of. I also know that she is a little warrior and with the progress she is making she will be home soon.

Right now I’m just trying to focus on everyone at home and getting myself better. Our delivery had been planned for the 20th so big sisters had already arranged to be here to help out.

I will be able to visit little miss a bit more with big sisters here. They will also be able to help me get some things finished up that I wasn’t able to take care of before baby made her arrival.

Things can feel overwhelming at times, especially with all of these crazy hormones right now. I just have to remember to take things slowly… if one day seems to much to deal with then deal with an hour at a time. Things will get better… slowly but surely.

Remember that it’s ok to ask for help. Whether it’s someone watching the kids so you can sleep, or washing a load or two of clothes, or fixing a meal, or grocery shopping, or maybe just lending an ear to listen… just know that it’s ok to rely on others at times.

I think this post went a little off track from where I thought I was going but we’ll just blame that on my mommy brain and pain meds right now. I hope you all have a blessed day and a wonderful weekend!

Just a twinge

Last night I was reading over some things on my computer when I happened upon a very nice comment left for someone regarding something they had written. There was nothing wrong with the comment, nothing wrong with the person who wrote the comment, and nothing wrong with the person it was directed to. When I read it though I felt an instant twinge of jealousy. Why? I really wasn’t sure.

I admire the life she has. She seems to have everything going for her. The profile picture shows a happy family with a handsome, smiling husband and two kids right beside her. She has many accomplishments listed in her profile and she has traveled the world. So many things that I had planned on doing when I was younger.

When I felt the twinge I knew why, well at least partly. Then I thought about my family and all the things that I have done. If I had been in school or working I might’ve missed out on some of the opportunities that I have had. I instantly knew that I am where God would have me to be at this moment in time and I felt a sense of peace. I asked God to forgive me. Then I also asked him to bless her and her family as I know that they are right where He would have them to be.


The key to overcoming this feeling is to be aware of it. Don’t let it grow or it will overwhelm your emotions. I realized it immediately when I felt it but sometimes it is an emotion that comes on more subtly. It creeps into our minds and our hearts without us noticing it. We may start to feel discontent and not know why.

We may admire something someone has or something someone else’s husband has done for them. These feelings may trigger other feelings of insecurity and doubt about ourselves, our marriages, our families, and our lives. These feelings can grow and manifest themselves into bigger uglier problems like resentment, distrust, and anger.


Maybe you know or admire someone but you feel anxious or resentful towards them. Maybe you compare yourself to them and you feel like you are never enough or that you just can’t measure up to them. Maybe you wonder why they always seem to have all the luck. Maybe you wonder what they ever did to have or to earn the things they have.

You need to recognize that these feelings can come from being jealous. I know, I know, we don’t want to admit that we could possibly be jealous over someone else but it happens. We might laugh at someone if they suggest that we could possibly be jealous of a certain person.

You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? – 1 Corinthians 3:3

The truth is that we are human and we have emotions. We feel things like no other creature on earth. We also have the ability to control these feelings. What do we do about this?

First, you need to recognize the feeling. Let yourself acknowledge it but don’t let it over take you. You can’t let it control your emotions, your actions, or your life. Accept responsibility for the emotions.

Second, take a look at why you feel the way you do. Take a step back and really look at the situation. Are you jealous of someone’s relationship? Are you jealous of someone’s appearance? Are you jealous of the recognition someone else gets from their job or other accomplishments?

Third, remember that you have the power to change the way you feel. The root of the problem lies within yourself and your own heart. Think about things you can do to improve yourself. Look at your own strengths and build on them.

Fourth, stop comparing yourself to other people. I mean it! Stop! You need to remember that what you perceive to be true is not always as it seems. Look at everything you have been blessed with and be thankful for what you have. Remember that if it is in God’s will for you to have something then He will give it to you in His time. I know how hard it can be to watch things fall in place for others when it might feel like your own life is falling apart. Just remember that everything is working together for the good.

Fifth, pray about it! Admit the feelings you have and ask God to forgive you for feeling that way. Ask God to help you develop a more positive outlook on life and to help you make positive changes in your life. When you recognize your faults and weaknesses you can ask for specific changes. God hears your prayers and He knows the innermost thoughts of your heart.

If you are struggling with jealousy God can and will help you. He can take away those feelings and He can create a new heart in you. He can help you overcome these feelings. Jealousy is a tool that Satan uses to get to you and he will use it to destroy you.

I pray every morning that God will help me to take away any feelings of jealousy, lust, envy, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness or discontentment that may be hiding in me. I may not see these until its too late and I have done or said something that I will regret later.

I ask Him to give me strength to prevent these emotions from creeping into my relationships with others. I ask him to help me remember that I was beautifully created by His own hand and that He loves me even when I don’t love myself. I also ask Him to prepare me for the changes He is making in my life and to help me accept the things that I can not change.

I trust in God and His plan for my life. He only wants the best for us and He has a plan for each and every one of us. So when you are dealing with jealousy or anything else you need to hand it over to God. He will help you just as He has helped me.

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. -Song of Solomon 8:6