Tag Archives: divorce

Just a twinge

Last night I was reading over some things on my computer when I happened upon a very nice comment left for someone regarding something they had written. There was nothing wrong with the comment, nothing wrong with the person who wrote the comment, and nothing wrong with the person it was directed to. When I read it though I felt an instant twinge of jealousy. Why? I really wasn’t sure.

I admire the life she has. She seems to have everything going for her. The profile picture shows a happy family with a handsome, smiling husband and two kids right beside her. She has many accomplishments listed in her profile and she has traveled the world. So many things that I had planned on doing when I was younger.

When I felt the twinge I knew why, well at least partly. Then I thought about my family and all the things that I have done. If I had been in school or working I might’ve missed out on some of the opportunities that I have had. I instantly knew that I am where God would have me to be at this moment in time and I felt a sense of peace. I asked God to forgive me. Then I also asked him to bless her and her family as I know that they are right where He would have them to be.

 

The key to overcoming this feeling is to be aware of it. Don’t let it grow or it will overwhelm your emotions. I realized it immediately when I felt it but sometimes it is an emotion that comes on more subtly. It creeps into our minds and our hearts without us noticing it. We may start to feel discontent and not know why.

We may admire something someone has or something someone else’s husband has done for them. These feelings may trigger other feelings of insecurity and doubt about ourselves, our marriages, our families, and our lives. These feelings can grow and manifest themselves into bigger uglier problems like resentment, distrust, and anger.

 

Maybe you know or admire someone but you feel anxious or resentful towards them. Maybe you compare yourself to them and you feel like you are never enough or that you just can’t measure up to them. Maybe you wonder why they always seem to have all the luck. Maybe you wonder what they ever did to have or to earn the things they have.

You need to recognize that these feelings can come from being jealous. I know, I know, we don’t want to admit that we could possibly be jealous over someone else but it happens. We might laugh at someone if they suggest that we could possibly be jealous of a certain person.

You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? – 1 Corinthians 3:3

The truth is that we are human and we have emotions. We feel things like no other creature on earth. We also have the ability to control these feelings. What do we do about this?

First, you need to recognize the feeling. Let yourself acknowledge it but don’t let it over take you. You can’t let it control your emotions, your actions, or your life. Accept responsibility for the emotions.

Second, take a look at why you feel the way you do. Take a step back and really look at the situation. Are you jealous of someone’s relationship? Are you jealous of someone’s appearance? Are you jealous of the recognition someone else gets from their job or other accomplishments?

Third, remember that you have the power to change the way you feel. The root of the problem lies within yourself and your own heart. Think about things you can do to improve yourself. Look at your own strengths and build on them.

Fourth, stop comparing yourself to other people. I mean it! Stop! You need to remember that what you perceive to be true is not always as it seems. Look at everything you have been blessed with and be thankful for what you have. Remember that if it is in God’s will for you to have something then He will give it to you in His time. I know how hard it can be to watch things fall in place for others when it might feel like your own life is falling apart. Just remember that everything is working together for the good.

Fifth, pray about it! Admit the feelings you have and ask God to forgive you for feeling that way. Ask God to help you develop a more positive outlook on life and to help you make positive changes in your life. When you recognize your faults and weaknesses you can ask for specific changes. God hears your prayers and He knows the innermost thoughts of your heart.

If you are struggling with jealousy God can and will help you. He can take away those feelings and He can create a new heart in you. He can help you overcome these feelings. Jealousy is a tool that Satan uses to get to you and he will use it to destroy you.

I pray every morning that God will help me to take away any feelings of jealousy, lust, envy, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness or discontentment that may be hiding in me. I may not see these until its too late and I have done or said something that I will regret later.

I ask Him to give me strength to prevent these emotions from creeping into my relationships with others. I ask him to help me remember that I was beautifully created by His own hand and that He loves me even when I don’t love myself. I also ask Him to prepare me for the changes He is making in my life and to help me accept the things that I can not change.

I trust in God and His plan for my life. He only wants the best for us and He has a plan for each and every one of us. So when you are dealing with jealousy or anything else you need to hand it over to God. He will help you just as He has helped me.

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. -Song of Solomon 8:6

Getting Routines Started 101

‘Your first obligation as a parent is to not bring chaos into your kids’ lives.’

OK, I should’ve written this before I started on the other posts about routines. I didn’t realize, until I was writing another post, how complicated and daunting routines can seem. Truth be told we all have some kind of routine already.

**Please note this post does contain affiliate links to which I may, possibly, earn a small commission from if you click on and purchase an item. For full disclosure click here. Continue reading Getting Routines Started 101

December 1, 2016

Well, today started early, like 1:30 am early. I went to bed last night with a headache and woke up sick. No fun at all. I turned my phone on and had all kinds of messages that I had missed during the night. (I almost never turn my phone off but my headache was really bad.) I did feel better after I took a shower though.

After my shower I did have almost a whole hour of ‘quiet time’. I spent that time going through my prayer journal and thanking God for the answered prayers. I also added a few new ones. I read my devotional and worked on a study that I had out. I also let my Bible fall open and read out of Psalms. It was just what I needed to help calm my soul and renew my strength this morning.

After messaging my best friend I had a long talk with God and had to hand something over to Him, something I should’ve immediately handed over last night, but stubbornly thought I could handle it on my own. (Which is how I ended up with a headache.) I felt such a relief and got the answer I needed once I let go. God is so good!

I am so thankful to have friends who can make me feel better when I’m down and who remind me that I don’t need to stress over things.

The kids were up super early and started tattling right away. My one son was in a grumpy kind of mood which did improve a little but not much. In fact, he is grumpier right now than he was this morning  He is currently voicing his opinion about bedtime through his bedroom door.

Then I remembered it was December 1st which meant that I needed to change out our school calendar. This lead to me realizing that I had forgot to print out the new calendar stuff for December (I admit I forgot last year too). So I grabbed the laminator and the paper cutter. I printed off the pages I needed and got to work laminating them.

My 3 year old loves to watch the laminator. He gets so excited to see what we are making. He was also my little helper and helped me to carry everything over to the playroom and get it all set up. We had a card left over, St. Nicholas day, and I didn’t know what day it was for sure.

So we went to the laptop and asked my dear friend, Google, for the answer. My son was very curious as to who ‘Doogle’ was and where he lived. He wanted to see a picture but forgot about that when I offered to let him put the final card in place. (December 6th in case you were wondering.)

We did manage to get our school work finished by 12. The girls have really been dragging their feet this week. I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday! I tried to get my daily chores finished and pay bills while they were working but that was pretty impossible today.

I did my laundry, as my laundry day is on Thursday, and then I carried my hang-dry items to my room. My oldest daughter was in there working out so I set them on the dresser with the intentions of going back to finish them shortly. The other clothes got dried and I left the ones that needed pressed on the dryer until I could get them. Well, I didn’t remember the wet ones until after lunch and they left a wet mark on my dresser. I just finished pressing the others after dinner. Now though I can say that task is completed for this week. Yay!

I did manage to finish my grocery list this morning, print my sales lists, and clip coupons. I pulled out my big coupon binder and started to get it set up again.One of my goals for 2017 is to be a better steward of what God has blessed me with. I think couponing will help me with this goal. At one time I was doing extremely well but I kinda fell off track with all of the different things I’ve been taking care of this past year.

I set out with $200 and my first stop was to put gas in my truck. Then to make a few more stops. I managed to find a few books to go under the tree and a few for stockings at Dollar Tree. I also picked up a few things to go along with our Advent study which I also confess has not began like I thought it would.  Being sick with the flu last week really did a number on me and I’m still not feeling quite 100%.

At another store I found a great deal on some meat. There was a BOGO sale on ground pork and ground pork patties. Well, I happened to find 4 packs of patties on sale that had been marked down $2 on top of the BOGO making them almost free! Then even better I found some stew beef also marked down $2. I know some people don’t like these sales but I grab them whenever I can unless the meat looks questionable. I have a big freezer and I know that even cheap cuts of meat will become tender in the crock pot or pressure cooker.

After two more stops and saving over $100 in sales and coupons I still had a little cash in my pocket. I stopped by the ‘relaxation station’ aka Island Shack Tanning Salon. I know, tanning isn’t really healthy, but the warm beds really do help my sore muscles a lot. Plus I usually sneak in a little nap in too.

After my quick nap I stopped to put air in my tire as I had found a note on my windshield informing me of a low tire. So sweet of someone to let me know, I really did appreciate that. Then back home to unload my grocery haul.

Upon exiting my vehicle the geese and the cat promptly notified me that I had forgotten to feed them earlier so groceries had to wait. Big sister heard me pull in and came to help. She had unloaded most of them by the time I had finished feeding which was a great help.

The kids all helped me to put away the groceries. They like to help because they can see what goodies and treats I might’ve gotten. They also enjoy trying to guess what Momma is going to make by looking at the groceries that I brought home. After everything was put away I sat down for a moment to try to decide what I needed to do and what was just gonna have to wait until tomorrow.

I still need to dig out our Christmas stuff. Who am I kidding? I still need to put away the Fall decor! (Speaking of which, I did find the cutest little pilgrim salt and pepper shakers today, on clearance!) Christmas is all packed neatly in some large green totes so I know where it is, I just haven’t brought it in.

I did bring in a tote and some boxes with the intentions of packing away the Fall decor but dinner had to be made. Then the clothes were calling me from the top of the dryer. I still haven’t vacuumed the floors either, but I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.

Today was visitation and Daddy had already promised to help them with a craft today. They made some paper Christmas trees. I even broke out the art supplies which included sequins and pom-poms. I wasn’t brave enough to bring out the glitter though. They turned out really well even thought some kids really didn’t want to follow along with the video.

christmas-trees

I love it when he does things like that with them. It helps them to strengthen their bond and also creates memories that will last for a long time. He also made his own tree, that they helped to decorate, to take home with him. The boys made him some ‘presents’ to go under his tree too.

Dinner consisted of Sloppy Joes, seasoned fries, and some homemade coleslaw (1 bag of slaw, a bit of mayo, a little sugar, and a splash of white vinegar. I’ll have to work on that recipe as I just kinda dump and taste as I go.) One of the little boys got excited when he saw the buns and the cheese. He had been asking for hamburgers but he thought Sloppy Joes were close enough and he actually asked for seconds.

After baths big sister wanted to try her hand at some No Bake Cookies. (Last night she made Easy Sugar Cookies.) She involved everyone in the process and they thoroughly enjoyed themselves. They enjoyed measuring, stirring, and of course the taste testing! I’m not so sure that chocolate right before bedtime was a such a good idea though as little man is refusing to go to bed now.

So all in all we had a great day. Lots of memories were made too. That’s what life is about. We have to do the best we can with what we have. Each and everyday is a new day with a fresh start.

I think my kids will remember these days when they get older. They won’t be worrying about whether or not I vacuumed the floor. They also probably won’t be traumatized by not having a Christmas tree up the day after Thanksgiving. (We’ve agreed that we will set it up on St. Nicholas Day and I drew a picture of a Christmas tree on my desk calendar for them to look at.)

They will also look back on the pictures and hopefully remember how much fun they had making crafts with their dad. We may have our differences but I am so thankful that we have been able to work through them and/or put them aside for the sake of our kids. Even though our relationship as husband and wife is over we are still connected through our kids and will always have that bond. It is important for us to continue to work together to be the best parents we can be for our children.

I am off to bed but first I need to walk little man to his bed. Then I have a few things that I need to add to my prayer list. Have a blessed night!

 

 

 

The End of a Chapter…

I can remember the first time my husband proposed to me, and the second, I said ‘No’ both times because he wasn’t sober and I didn’t think he meant it. When we did get married there was no proposal, no ceremony surrounded by friends, no pictures, not even an announcement to our close family or friends. We went to the courthouse and applied for our license. There was another couple there who where getting married and we decided to do it then and there too. The other couple, complete strangers, were our witnesses. We didn’t even tell anyone for almost a month. No celebration, no honeymoon, nothing, we didn’t even have rings.
That didn’t matter to me because I meant what I had said in our vows. This was a new partnership, a commitment, two families becoming one, a forever thing. There was nothing too big or too small that we couldn’t tackle together. We would be there to support each other through the hard times and the bad. So what happened?
Honestly it wasn’t any one thing. It wasn’t all him or all me. I felt as though I took my vows way more seriously than my husband. I saw problems and I wanted to talk about them and work on them but that just pushed him away. The responsibilities and stress of a large blended family started to take its toll really quickly. Add the extra demands of special needs children and it could be overwhelming at times. I began to see his need for something that I couldn’t fill no matter how hard I tried. I failed. Again and again. Then I realized that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t in order to make him happy and I was becoming more and more unhappy myself. I didn’t like it.
He started leaving for longer and longer periods of time. He said he deserved time to himself. I felt he was being selfish, I mean when did I ever have time to myself other than going to the bathroom? He would often say we were ‘taking a break’ and leave for days at a time. My heart tried its best to rationalize what these absences were but I just couldn’t understand and my suspicions started to grow.
I can remember a conversation with a family member almost 2 years ago. Someone had asked me how my husband was doing. I said that I didn’t know him anymore. He was a different person than who I had fallen in love with. I was honest when I told them that I wasn’t even sure if he would be at home when I got back. I cried when I realized I had admitted what my heart had been feeling for so long. He was gone, not physically, but in every other way he wasn’t my partner anymore.
I desperately tried to cling to the tattered remnants of our marriage and somehow weave them into a strong relationship but it was impossible to do on my own. The trust had been broken so many times and the lies had weakened every thread there was left. I still held onto the hope that it could be fixed so I believed him every time he said it would change. I was left feeling drained every time it didn’t. The more I tried the harder he pushed me away.
Our marriage needed something I couldn’t provide on my own. We tried counseling as he suggested I needed to go before he would. Nothing changed. I tried to talk but it would end up in an argument. Our priorities didn’t match up and we both felt like the other was headed in an opposite direction.
So we both failed to provide what the other one needed. I refused to go against my morals and beliefs. I refused to change to be the person he felt he needed me to be. He refused to get the help I felt he needed, help that I couldn’t give. I felt like I was being torn between my kids and my husband, no choice a mother and wife should ever have to make. I chose my kids and I would do it again if I had it to do over. I still stand behind my choices because I know I have other responsibilities.
The past couple of years have been an emotional roller coaster. There have been ups and boy have there been so many downs. Words have been said that shouldn’t have been said and I have been hurt deeper than I ever thought I could be hurt. I have been humiliated and gossiped about by the person I once thought was my best friend again and again with no remorse.
I still held on to our marriage even though it no longer looked or felt like a marriage anymore. It felt as if I was stuck in a sticky spider web woven from lies and deceit littered with the remains of forgotten promises and abandoned dreams all around me. I have sheltered our kids from as much of it as I could but when things/people threatened to involve them I saw I had to draw a line. When I did he asked for a divorce. That felt like such a slap after all that I had put up with and the sacrifices I had made to try to keep us from ‘The End’. But there was also a feeling of relief that I felt.
After a couple of months I finally saw that ‘The End’ had come before he had asked for the divorce. He finally told me the truth and it was hard to take. It hurt worse than I could’ve imagined. The divorce is only the legal paperwork to show ‘The End’. The realization makes me cry and saddens my heart. I know this is only an ending to this chapter of my life and there will be more chapters to come. I have forgiven him and myself for what has happened and I have hope that there will be happier days ahead and with time the pain and hurt will subside.

What about today?

Original Blog Post April 24, 2016
I’m having a horrible dream, tossing and turning, and just can’t sleep well. I’m dreaming my husband is gone. He left and he isn’t coming back. I can feel such intense emotions and it feels so real I wake up with tears in my eyes.
I turn and reach for him but he’s not there. Then I realize its not just a dream but reality. Yes, he did walk out. A bit of panic sets in as I once again try to come to terms with the feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The feelings of broken trust and infidelity. The fear of what lies ahead.
How am I supposed to do this? I need someone to help me. He promised to be here. He promised to be a father to our children. He promised to quit drinking. He promised to be faithful to me. He promised to take care of us. But he couldn’t keep those promises so he left.
He is happy, for now. He expects me to sit and wait until this ‘phase’ passes and he feels the urge to change. He admits he may never feel the need to change, but he might, one day.
What about today? What about tonight? I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. I want someone to wipe away my tears. I want to snuggle in the crook of an arm where I fit perfectly. I want to talk about the future and make plans. I want to fall asleep and dream of the memories I want to make to cherish when I’m old.
There is no pause button in LIFE… It just keeps happening whether we want it to or not. It will keep going on and we have to go with it.
I remember some words in a song I heard earlier by Chris Cagle… Breathe in, breathe out… That’s what I do. Take it moment by moment, day by day. That’s all I can do. There might come a day when he wakes up and sees what he left but I don’t know if I’ll still be waiting.
I try to stay busy so I don’t think about it. Its in the dark of the night when the feelings hit the hardest. So I’ll pray. God will listen, he will wipe away my tears, he will replace my fears with hope, and he will be there for me.
Always.

So What Now?

Original Blog Post May 6, 2016
It’s been 10 days since I went to court for the Final Hearing on our divorce. It seemed like a dream. I knew it would eventually be finished but I dreaded the day when it was. Yesterday my now ex-husband texted and wanted to know, ‘So are we divorced now or what?’. I replied sarcastically, ‘What’s the big hurry?’.
Needless to say that wasn’t the best reply but it did prompt me to check the clerk of courts website. There I learned that the Final Judgment had been entered. I passed along the information to my ex that we are indeed divorced. Today I received my court documents.
Now my question is ‘What do I do now?’. I mean he has already ‘moved on’. I don’t know that I’m ready for that step yet as the pain is still so fresh. The wound is closing but it still hurts. I am afraid to trust anyone. I wonder if anyone will want me with all my kids. They come first, as always.
Sigh, I don’t know how I can feel so lonely when I am always surrounded by kids. Doesn’t seem possible but it is.
I’ve read some articles about what to do after a divorce. I just don’t have the energy or the heart to go out anywhere. I don’t think a lot of those article are geared towards moms with multiple children either. Our parenting plan is a little different so my kids are always with me. That may change in the future if certain conditions are met but for now its me. Yes, he will come and see them at our home but he rarely stays more than 1-2 hours. That doesn’t give me much free time considering it takes 20-30 minutes to get to town from here.
So first things first I guess. I called some about some financial things that needed cleared up. I’ve completed all the proper paperwork, made all the copies to attach to said paperwork, and tomorrow I will go by the bank to get the info I need from there. It will give me a little peace of mind when this is taken care of. Then maybe I can focus on other areas.
We’ve started going to a new church. The kids really love it and I like it too. A lot of the activities are geared towards couples. While I am happy to see so many happy couples it saddens me a lot because I feel left out. They do have some activities for us homeschooling families and we really enjoy participating.
I thought about going camping alone or maybe even fishing for the day but I am afraid. There are always weird stories that you hear and there have been lots of major shootings/killings around here lately.
Then considering I have been married for most of my adult life it is hard to be alone. I don’t know how to be alone.
They say to keep busy. Duh!? I am raising 6 kids on my own. They constantly need food and clothes, there are baths to give, clothes to wash, a house to keep clean, a yard to mow, gardens to weed, and animals to feed. Did I mention that we homeschool too? Not to mention that I help with my dad’s farm too. I have a daughter getting married soon too. That’s a lot but I still get lonely.
They say to invite friends over for dinner. Well, we moved here a few years ago and life has been busy so I haven’t made many friends. A lot of the friends I did have were mutual acquaintances and they sided with him as they had known him longer.
Some say to have a glass of wine to relax. Not a good idea to drink alone, trust me on this one.
So that leaves me with what do I do now? Well, I’ve started praying more. I mean GOD delivered Joseph out of a pit, he was sold as a slave, tricked and put in prison and later became the second most powerful ruler in Egypt. If GOD can do that for him surely he can help me too.
Daniel prayed three times a day, so I have set aside three times a day to pray too. I need GOD. I don’t want to feel alone. He says he will never desert us nor forsake us and I trust him. I know he will bring me through this and make me a stronger and more successful person in the end. He is using this experience to shape me into the person he wants me to be. I have to have faith that good will come out of all of this.
GOD will speak to us when we need him. I was feeling a little sad this morning and my 7 year old looked at me and said, ‘Momma, you know GOD loves you too!.’ Yes, indeed I do know that but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded.
So for now I am going to finish my grocery list, get the little ones in bed, and talk to GOD!
Good night ya’ll!

Trying to find a new balance

Original Blog Post May 20, 2016
I haven’t posted in a bit as I’ve been so busy here at home. We went on a camping trip to RELAX… yeah, not a lot of relaxing when you take kids and grandpa with you. It was a very fun and interesting trip though. I will definitely want to do it again soon.
For now though we just finished up school and we are still working on wedding plans. I managed to get most of my post divorce paperwork and changes completed. Now I am just waiting for everything to ‘get situated’ and return to ‘normal’. Whatever that may be. I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately, mainly my sanity at times. I’ve tried a few new things and looking forward to exploring new places around me. There are so many things that I want to do and try.
One of those things was fishing, from a boat, and we did that this past weekend. It was WONDERFUL! I think I am a saltwater fishing addict now. On the other hand I also have my kids to tend to and look after. They alone are enough to keep me busy. My house is a wreck right now and lets not even talk about the yard work.
So how do I find a happy balance between work and play? I’m working on that a little at a time. Lately it has been more tempting to play more but the house work is starting to tell on me. So this weekend will probably be spent cleaning and taking care of yard work. I still get overwhelmed at times, dealing with post divorce stuff and planning my daughter’s wedding. Not too mention stress when things don’t go as planned like a NO SHOW for visitation. Or when the kids decide to act out at the same time. Its hard but I manage one day at a time and with lots of prayer.
I know I fail every day in one way or another but I just pray for forgiveness and strength to keep pressing on. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best each day. I know that every day will get easier and that sometimes I will have really bad days but they will pass. All of these struggles will shape me into a stronger person and I am so thankful for that.

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Another Day

Another Day Original Blog Post April 21, 2016
I’m sitting here trying to finish a cup of coffee before anyone else wakes up. After my overwhelming day yesterday which has been full of weeks and months of overwhelming days I really need a break. I’m not picky, I’ll take them whenever I can get them.
I hope everyone is a little less stressed and overwhelmed as I am. I am telling myself that today will be better than yesterday and I am determined that it will be. The past few weeks have been hard, so very hard emotionally, mentally and physically. The stress of divorce is taking is toll on me in every way. We had a bout of the flu a few weeks ago and I feel like I just can’t get over it. Not to mention that I have had a headache almost every day for the past month. (I suffer from migraines.) I probably should go to the doctor but with no insurance it would probably cost me a small fortune.
It seems that everything has just been irritating me lately. The kids have been so loud. The phone rings too many times. Nothing I do seems to go as planned. Unexpected bills keep popping up. One of the kids keeps bossing everyone around and another one’s favorite word is ‘Butthead’. I know I’m just stressed so I have to keep reminding myself that I need to slow down and BREATHE!
Yesterday I had to take a small break, in my closet, to ask GOD to help me get through the evening. Afterwards I felt renewed and I was able to get the island cleared. I designated one of the girls to clean the playroom, and another to put away some dishes in the lower cabinets. The kids took turns coming and getting ‘assignments’ from me as I fixed dinner. The playroom was cleaned and every room was fairly neat before dinner. I pulled out the paper plates and served dinner. (I would’ve opted for pizza but the drive to get it just seemed to much.)
I was kind of craving a glass of wine but I don’t have any alcohol in the house so I opted for a glass of Coca Cola and a piece of leftover chocolate from Easter.
After dinner everyone seemed a little quieter. The girls cleared the table and swept the floors while I gave the little boys a bath. Watching the water drain made me remember what I had forgotten earlier. So I grabbed the drain tool and cleared the hair out of it. I finished up the kitchen, fixed the coffee pot for the morning, started the dishwasher and sat with the kids until it was their bedtime.
When they were settled in bed I took a couple minutes and jotted down some things I need to work on for today like picking out some wedding outfits for the little boys so big sister can approve them, clearing off the top of my desk, clearing off the work area of my desk, putting away the piles of school papers into the portfolios, and trying on the outfit I plan to wear to court next week.
Then I went to bed. I lay in bed every night and try my best to fall asleep. Sleep doesn’t come easy. I lay there and I pray. I pray about everything and I thank GOD for all he has done. I pray that he will take away the pain I feel both physical and emotional. I’ve prayed that he would have his way, not mine, in this situation. I pray that he will build a hedge of protection around my family and me. I thank him for all he has done for me and my family. I know I don’t thank him enough and he is so good to me. It always ends in tears. The pain seems so unbearable at times and it seems like it will never get easier. All I can do is cry out for GOD to help me with this and help me get to a place where it doesn’t hurt so bad. I have to pray for the strength to get through the next day, and the next. It is getting easier but it still hurts every time I find an old note, an old picture, or a forgotten memory pops up.
Its so easy to let it get you down. You need to stay on guard. This is when the DEVIL likes to sneak in. Ask GOD to put a hedge around you and your family. GOD will protect you and give you the strength you need when you feel you just can’t go on. Trust me, I know! I’ve been there so many times lately. I don’t deserve the mercy and grace he shows me everyday. I really hope everyone has a BLESSED day!

I Can’t Do it by Myself!

Original Blog Post April 20, 2016
Earlier today as the kids were cleaning up for lunch work I sent the 4 year old to tidy up the playroom. It was a mess which had mostly been created by his younger brother and himself. He went in and immediately said, ‘Momma, I can’t do it by myself!.’. I explained to him that if he would just choose one thing at a time to put away he could indeed do it by himself. He put away all the books and then he attempted to put the cushions back on the couch and chair. He couldn’t do it. I watched him try and try. He struggled but he kept on trying.
Finally he asked me for help. I was sitting here at my desk, which I had taken a picture of earlier because I planned to clean it up and post the before/after pics to one of my groups, and looked at the piles of paper. There are school papers, bills, books to read, books that need put away, sigh… I could go on and on. I got up and pulled the top down over the mess.
Then I saw the mess on top of the desk. Projects I’ve been working on, copy paper that needs put away, stacks of mail for my older kids, notes about appointments to make, and so much more. I turn to the island and start to clear it. There is a note that simply says ‘pantyhose, receipt book, tea’, seems like an odd combination but that was some things I remembered when I was in the shower this morning. Everything has been taken care of and has been crossed off so I throw it into the trash. There are several of these notes laying around the house as I have to jot everything down or I will forget.
The kids are yelling for me as someone is taking turns on the swing. My dad needs me outside to look at something. The phone rings and it is a telemarketer. My special needs son is having a melt down and as I notice that he needs a haircut, which may or may not result in another melt down. Then I remember that I forgot to do something, but what was it? Was it important?
As I stop and look around I see there is a grocery list to finish. Sales to look up. Coupons to clip. Floors to vacuum and mop. Things to dust and polish. The windows have little hand prints and smudges everywhere. The yard needs mowed. I still need to plant the stuff I bought over the weekend. My list goes on and on.
I go to bed so tired that I can’t sleep. I wake up before I’m rested to start again. My body hurts. My head hurts. My body hurts. Sometimes it just feels like too much. I feel OVERWHELMED! I just want to cry! I can’t do it alone!
I realize that I’ve been running around trying to clean up my messes and get my stuff in order but I can’t do it alone. I need to take some time and have a little heart to heart with GOD. Maybe you’ve recently been widowed or divorce? You’ve not only lost your partner but your friend. You have no one to talk to when things are going rough, or when you have exciting news. You feel utterly alone. It can be so scary. You feel confused when the person you thought you knew has turned into a complete stranger.
Life is hard. Keeping up with a house is hard. Taking care of a family is hard. Its all hard enough when you are married and have someone to share the responsibilities. When that someone leaves and you find yourself all alone doing all the work it makes it that much harder. Maybe you can ‘keep up appearances’ for a little while like I did. Then when it sinks in that they aren’t coming back you have a whole new sense of being overwhelmed. That has been me for the past month or so since the papers were filed. Now as our court date approaches I know it’s over and I feel almost as hurt and overwhelmed as I did when he first left.
So what do you do? First, have a talk with GOD. Confide in him. Ask him for the strength you need. Ask him for guidance. He is there for you!
Second, I would fix a drink or snack and make a list. Then decide what needs done first, second and so on.
Third, take a deep breath and get to work. It doesn’t matter what you do just choose one thing and get started! Try to handle top priorities first.
Make sure to take frequent breaks to re-energize. I have found that when I am upset I have a lot of energy so I try to put it to good use by cleaning or organizing. Lately though the kids have been a little crazy and it seems almost impossible to get even the basic things done.
I have my routines on my phone. When I have these days, which they have been quite frequent lately, then I pull out my phone. (You could have them on paper or wherever is best for you to have easy access for them.) I look at my list and work on it. If I remember something that isn’t normally on my list, check to see if I have pantyhose to go with my suit, then I write it down on a sheet of paper.
Letting go of perfection is another thing when you are feeling overwhelmed. Is there something the kids or someone else can help you with? Ok, maybe they won’t clean the windows the way you would but at least the windows would be clean. Maybe they don’t fold the towels like you do but you could check that off your list. Involving the kids can help keep them occupied so you can get other tasks finished.
When you come to something that is really hard then ask for help or break it up into smaller chunks. I hate cleaning the refrigerator so I might just clean the top shelf one day and another shelf the next. If I’m trying to fix dinner and the 2 year old is screaming for a drink I might ask the 9 year to get it for him. If I’m out of milk and my son says he is going to town I’ll ask him to grab some milk. Remember, if you feel overwhelmed just stop and take a breath. It’s OK to cry and scream (you may just want to scream into your pillow so you don’t scare the kids). Just don’t sit down or throw your hands in the air and give up!
Don’t forget to PRAY!