Category Archives: Life

Life

Original Blog Post April 5, 2016
As we live our lives we learn that sometimes things don’t always turn out as we planned. Things don’t stay the same and forever doesn’t always mean forever. Life is not always easy but we as long as we learn from our mistakes and keep getting back up then we will be successful.
The past few years have been hard for our family. Dealing with many issues like adoptions, births, and family members moving out of the house to start new lives. We have also made the decision to begin homeschooling our children and that in itself has had resulted in its own set of challenges but it has also been a blessing to us in so many ways.
We have many challenges in life and we just have to learn to adjust and find ways to work around them or sometimes to work with them. Today’s burden may become tomorrow’s blessing.
I am starting this blog with the hopes of helping other families, as well as my own, with some of life’s problems and disappointments. I pray that we can be a blessing to others who may be going through similar situations.
Keep checking back in with us and I’m sure that my posts will get better with time. May God bless each and everyone who reads and follows us on this journey called LIFE.

Its Not About Me.

Original Blog Post July 12, 2016
Over the past few weeks I have had my feelings hurt quite a bit by someone close to me. I couldn’t understand what I had done to deserve the treatment I was receiving. It brought back so many painful childhood memories and was making me think about making some major life changes.
I didn’t confide in many people about how I was feeling and those people didn’t believe what was going on could be as bad as I felt it was until they saw it for their own eyes. Feeling justified in my feelings didn’t help anything. It didn’t change the behavior either.
Then things kind of blew up a few days ago. This person was being more annoying than ever. This person had to be the center of attention at ALL times. They demanded the attention and if they didn’t get it then they would make up something to get it. I kept feeling like I was being reprimanded for things that they imagined had happened. I noticed that problems were being instigated by these imaginary events. This person was becoming increasingly arrogant and rude to everyone around them.
Finally myself and someone else just told them that we were tired of it. Apparently one after another we let him know how we felt. Did that stop the behavior? No, because it got turned around that we were the ones with the problem. They were the innocent party in the whole mess and couldn’t understand why people were upset with them. Things were a bit tense for a bit but eventually cooled down.
I had lost my temper, which takes a lot, because this person kept accusing me of causing something. Finally after beating myself up over this I had enough. The next time they got in my face about it then I just told them to ‘Stop!’, and I walked away but I ended up looking like the dramatic one.
As I’ve thought about the events I realize that this has been an ongoing problem. When I was younger I never felt like anything I did was ever good enough. No matter what award or achievement I reached this person always had something to top it. No matter how much stuff this person has they always need more. If the neighbor gets something then they have to have one bigger and better too. (Even if they have 10 of them not being used already.) They were always quick to dole out criticism but angered if someone gave it back to them. These are just a few of the things that I have been reminded of.
As I’ve thought about the events I realize that this has been an ongoing problem. When I was younger I never felt like anything I did was ever good enough. No matter what award or achievement I reached this person always had something to top it. No matter how much stuff this person has they always need more. If the neighbor gets something then they have to have one bigger and better too. (Even if they have 10 of them not being used already.) They were always quick to dole out criticism but angered if someone gave it back to them. These are just a few of the things that I have been reminded of.
When it boils down to it this person is selfish and doesn’t truly care about the feelings of the people around them. They only look at what they can gain from being around others and don’t take into account how others will feel about being used.
This person was robbing me of my joy. I no longer wanted to even be around them. They even had me questioning my own memories about past events.
Well I say enough is enough. I refuse to be a doormat for the rude and degrading behaviors that have been going on lately. Is this going to be easy? Probably not, but I am determined that things will change or other changes will have to be made.

Dear Special Needs Parent

Original Blog Post on July 12, 2016
Dear Special Needs Parent, I see you in the grocery store, at the doctor’s office, and at the park. I see the smiles that hide the tears. I see the tired look you try to hide. I hear the little sigh you let out when another mom talks about ‘date night’ or a milestone their child has reached. How do I see and hear all of this? I am a special needs mom, a single parent, a homeschooling mom, and so much more.
I know how hard it is to get up at the crack of dawn because your kid is already up and calling for you, even though they didn’t fall asleep until late. I know how hard it is to divide your attention between the kids, the chores, and all that has to be done. Much less finding time to do things for yourself like shower.
Honestly, I can’t remember the last ‘date night’ I’ve had or even the last time I was away from my kids for a night. (Maybe when the 3 year old was born?) I know that when you try to plan an outing it drains you because of all the things you have to be prepared for. You are exhausted by the time you get everything and everyone packed and ready.
Things that were once fun can still be fun but they are oh so exhausting now days. We have our good days when nobody has a melt down (or maybe just a couple of melt downs for the day), nobody wets the bed, and everyone eats what you made for dinner.
Then we have the bad days. The days when everything causes a meltdown, from the French Toast you make every Tuesday to keep things on a simple routine, to the thunder they thought they heard, or the little brother who is stuck on singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (which was big brother’s favorite song yesterday but is irritating him today). Sigh, I know.
Then we have the really bad days were we just want to go back to bed. The days when you have done 3 loads of laundry before 6 am. When you have showered your 13 year old 4 times before 7am and stripped his room (and the bathroom) and completely disinfected and sanitized it for the 3rd day in a row. The days when he has forgotten/refuses to do anything for himself and calls you every bad name he can think of and then some that you can’t and don’t want to understand. I’ve been there. Sometimes these phases last a day or two or sometimes a week or two.
I can remember a few years ago when I had to clean my son’s room. It was a horrible mess. I grabbed rubber gloves and trash bags. I went to his room and opened the window. I filled those bags and started tossing them out the window because it was so nasty and I just couldn’t bear the thought of cleaning the stuff again just to have him repeat this scene again in a day or two. I was about 3 weeks from my due date with our 8th child. While cleaning I started throwing up because it was so bad. I ended up in the hospital for 3 days, at one point they thought I would be delivering the baby early. This was a week before Christmas and we had already planned a party for friends and family. The timing couldn’t have been worse. The party was cancelled and all last minute Christmas shopping went undone. But we made it through that and you will make it through whatever it is that you are going through right now too. (A very healthy baby boy was born 2 weeks later.)
I have my kids 24/7 with only a slight reprieve two times a week (when he feels like coming or something else doesn’t come up in his schedule) for maybe 2 hours a time (which was scheduled to be 5 hours each time but he never makes it that long). I can’t leave because something always happens. Sometimes I go to my bedroom or sit outside but the kids usually wander away and end up with me so I really have almost no ‘Me time’.
I know the brave front you put on when you are out and about. I know the fear when the kid next to you wipes their snotty nose on their hand and then goes to play with your kid. I know that if my kid catches whatever that is that life will be miserable for the next week or two. Not too mention the fact that it will eventually spread through the house and I’ll end up sick trying to tend to 6 kids by myself too. Yep, I know.
I also know that we need to be there for each other. We need to be a support system for each other. Whether by joining blogs or Facebook groups. If someone offers to help then let them. They can do dishes, wash laundry or just sit with the kids while you nap. Maybe when you the kids get comfortable you can even sneak away to do the grocery shopping by yourself.
Don’t keep trying to do it by yourself as you will just crash and burn. Trust me, I know.
If you are a friend or neighbor, maybe a parent or sibling of someone who has a special needs child please know that they do need you and they need your support. I can’t tell you how much it means just to chat for a minute on Messenger or a couple of texts when I am having a hard day. Let me tell you that I will never turn down food, especially ready to eat food. When someone shows up unexpectedly at the door with an armload of pizzas it is a wonderful feeling to know they were thinking about you.

Who Am I?

I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter, I am a person just like you. All to often we forget that the people who are subjects of the rumors and gossip flying around are people just like you and I. They are someone’s child, parent, sibling, friend or spouse. They are real and they have feelings. When you listen to the tales spun by someone you should always consider the source and what it is that this person may have to gain from speaking out about another. Remember that you are only hearing the side of the story that they want you to hear.
The ones telling the stories try their best to dehumanize the person they are talking about. They make them out to be a horrid monster with no feelings. A witch or a crazy psycho. They put the blame for their problems on the other person and have a fine tale to explain how the other person is responsible for whatever situation they are in. They never stop to consider how their lies will affect the other person, their friends, or their family. When confronted with the truth they will deny ever having said those nasty comments.
If you are drawn in by someone’s sad story please remember that you may become the target of their next sad story. Trust me, I know this all too well.
Before repeating of commenting on the remarks think about what you would do, or how you would feel if that was you they were talking about. What if it were you mother or father? What if it were your child or grandchild? What if it were friend?
I am a not a monster but a flesh and blood human being just like you! I breathe the same air and my heart beats just like the one beating in your chest. I am not perfect nor will I ever be perfect in this lifetime. I cry, I laugh, I have the same struggles as everyone else, maybe a few more. I lose my temper sometimes, I yell, I scream, and sometimes I say things I don’t mean. I have made my share of mistakes, just as you reading this have, and I try my best to learn from those mistakes. I admit that I haven’t always handled every situation with the best of grace but I try.
I am often too trusting, too selfless, too loving, and too patient. I often bend over backwards to help others and make life easier for them. I try to find the good in every one and every situation. Sometimes I try to hard. I usually expect to be treated the way I have treated others. I forget that we are all human and we will all disappoint one another in some way or another. Sometimes I just expect and anticipate too much from those around me and then I am so disappointed and hurt when things don’t turn out the way I had expected.
Lately I am stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I constantly have to push myself to go further and do more than I feel I can. I try not to complain. I have found strength I didn’t know I had.
I have heard so many things about myself that I know are not true. It hurts, it really does. I have cried so much about these lies and rumors. They have caused me so much heartache and more so because one of the people responsible for starting them was someone I love and care about deeply. I never expected this. I never expected to be constantly harassed and humiliated on an almost daily basis now. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad if I had expected it, I don’t know.
Lately I have felt this bitterness creeping up inside of me and it is the most awful feeling. It chokes out all of your peace and joy. It overshadows everything else and makes it impossible for you to see the beauty of what is in front of you. It is a thief and robber.
It told me that I should be angry and upset. After all, I am the one who was left to be the ‘responsible one’. I am the one who is working 24/7 to keep this family going. I am the one who wakes up several times during the night to help the little ones go back to sleep. I am the one who is here dealing with the day to day needs of a large family and dealing with the extra challenges of special needs children. I am the one who sleeps alone in my bed EVERY night and prays for GOD to heal my broken heart. I ask HIM to wake me from this horrible dream. When I open my eyes I am still alone and I have no shoulder to cry on when I realize again and again that this is not a dream. I am the one who was committed and faithful only to have my heart broken time and time again. I am the one who NEVER gets to take a ‘break’ from it all. When I ask for a break I always get the same response, ‘I’m sorry, I’ve got other plans.’.
Then in the darkness of night I know that GOD is there and HE has my back, always has and always will. HE is the greatest comforter of all and HE has the biggest shoulders of anyone. HE understands me completely and HE listens. Without HIM I can do nothing!
Then I look at our family. It brings me to tears. They are a constant reminder of the dreams we had and the promises we made. They don’t deserve this. I try my best to shield them. They know Mommy is sad but they don’t know why. They don’t see the sacrifices I make, they don’t know the pleading and begging I have done to try to change the outcome.
When all else fails there is nothing left to do but to get rid of the bitterness that haunts me. The only way to get rid of the bitterness is to forgive. How do I forgive when I feel like I can’t? I remember the forgiveness that GOD has shown me. I will be the first to admit that I don’t deserve the mercy and grace that my LORD has shown me so many times. I pray that HE will change my heart and help me to forgive when I feel I can’t. With GOD’s help I can forgive even when it seems impossible. I will grant forgiveness even if it hasn’t been asked for.
So right now, I forgive all those who have gossiped about me. I forgive those who have had a hand (and the ones who won’t admit that they did) in the destruction of our marriage. I have been bitter against everyone who has spoken badly about me, those who have encouraged his addictions and selfishness, those who never supported us. I forgive you all even if you don’t want me to. I forgive him for all the things I have been through these past couple of years. Please understand that just because I forgive does not mean I will forget.
I also ask for forgiveness. I must ask that all of the ‘exes’ please forgive me as I, at one time, believed the stories about you. The stories that are all to similar to the stories being told about me. Please know that I apologize for anything I may have believed without getting your side of the story.
I also ask for forgiveness from those who have been affected by the lies and rumors that have been told. Please know that I am deeply sorry that you may have been affected by what was going on in my life. I also forgive anyone who has believed these lies and rumors and those that have contributed to the spreading of them.
I will remember those who have been there for me. I thank each and everyone one of my friends and family for supporting us through this time. You will never know how much I have appreciated each and every one of your thoughts and prayers. Most importantly I thank GOD for giving me the strength to get through this. Its not over yet and even after the legalities are taken care of it still won’t be ‘over’ as we have a family together.
So, Who am I? I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am soon to be the dreaded ‘ex-wife’ and that’s OK. I am still a work in progress but I know GOD is not through with me and I have hope and faith that there are better things to come. I pray that GOD will plant a seed of forgiveness in the heart of everyone who reads this so you can experience the fullness of HIS mercy and grace. If you have never experienced HIS forgiveness I pray that you will and you will understand why I must forgive.

The End of a Chapter…

I can remember the first time my husband proposed to me, and the second, I said ‘No’ both times because he wasn’t sober and I didn’t think he meant it. When we did get married there was no proposal, no ceremony surrounded by friends, no pictures, not even an announcement to our close family or friends. We went to the courthouse and applied for our license. There was another couple there who where getting married and we decided to do it then and there too. The other couple, complete strangers, were our witnesses. We didn’t even tell anyone for almost a month. No celebration, no honeymoon, nothing, we didn’t even have rings.
That didn’t matter to me because I meant what I had said in our vows. This was a new partnership, a commitment, two families becoming one, a forever thing. There was nothing too big or too small that we couldn’t tackle together. We would be there to support each other through the hard times and the bad. So what happened?
Honestly it wasn’t any one thing. It wasn’t all him or all me. I felt as though I took my vows way more seriously than my husband. I saw problems and I wanted to talk about them and work on them but that just pushed him away. The responsibilities and stress of a large blended family started to take its toll really quickly. Add the extra demands of special needs children and it could be overwhelming at times. I began to see his need for something that I couldn’t fill no matter how hard I tried. I failed. Again and again. Then I realized that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t in order to make him happy and I was becoming more and more unhappy myself. I didn’t like it.
He started leaving for longer and longer periods of time. He said he deserved time to himself. I felt he was being selfish, I mean when did I ever have time to myself other than going to the bathroom? He would often say we were ‘taking a break’ and leave for days at a time. My heart tried its best to rationalize what these absences were but I just couldn’t understand and my suspicions started to grow.
I can remember a conversation with a family member almost 2 years ago. Someone had asked me how my husband was doing. I said that I didn’t know him anymore. He was a different person than who I had fallen in love with. I was honest when I told them that I wasn’t even sure if he would be at home when I got back. I cried when I realized I had admitted what my heart had been feeling for so long. He was gone, not physically, but in every other way he wasn’t my partner anymore.
I desperately tried to cling to the tattered remnants of our marriage and somehow weave them into a strong relationship but it was impossible to do on my own. The trust had been broken so many times and the lies had weakened every thread there was left. I still held onto the hope that it could be fixed so I believed him every time he said it would change. I was left feeling drained every time it didn’t. The more I tried the harder he pushed me away.
Our marriage needed something I couldn’t provide on my own. We tried counseling as he suggested I needed to go before he would. Nothing changed. I tried to talk but it would end up in an argument. Our priorities didn’t match up and we both felt like the other was headed in an opposite direction.
So we both failed to provide what the other one needed. I refused to go against my morals and beliefs. I refused to change to be the person he felt he needed me to be. He refused to get the help I felt he needed, help that I couldn’t give. I felt like I was being torn between my kids and my husband, no choice a mother and wife should ever have to make. I chose my kids and I would do it again if I had it to do over. I still stand behind my choices because I know I have other responsibilities.
The past couple of years have been an emotional roller coaster. There have been ups and boy have there been so many downs. Words have been said that shouldn’t have been said and I have been hurt deeper than I ever thought I could be hurt. I have been humiliated and gossiped about by the person I once thought was my best friend again and again with no remorse.
I still held on to our marriage even though it no longer looked or felt like a marriage anymore. It felt as if I was stuck in a sticky spider web woven from lies and deceit littered with the remains of forgotten promises and abandoned dreams all around me. I have sheltered our kids from as much of it as I could but when things/people threatened to involve them I saw I had to draw a line. When I did he asked for a divorce. That felt like such a slap after all that I had put up with and the sacrifices I had made to try to keep us from ‘The End’. But there was also a feeling of relief that I felt.
After a couple of months I finally saw that ‘The End’ had come before he had asked for the divorce. He finally told me the truth and it was hard to take. It hurt worse than I could’ve imagined. The divorce is only the legal paperwork to show ‘The End’. The realization makes me cry and saddens my heart. I know this is only an ending to this chapter of my life and there will be more chapters to come. I have forgiven him and myself for what has happened and I have hope that there will be happier days ahead and with time the pain and hurt will subside.

Do you ever just want to get away from it all?

Original Blog Post April 26, 2016
Today has been one of those days, well actually the past few months have had several of those days, where I just want to get away.
I want to grab a few things and take a hike. Go somewhere remote for a few days. Somewhere quiet. Anywhere but here. I need some space to think about recent events. I need some quietness so I can think. I just need a bit of time to sort a few things out in my head.
I try to sneak in quiet time every day, the key word being try, but somehow it always gets interrupted. About the only quiet time I have is when I wake up before the alarm and lay in bed afraid to move because I might wake up one of the kids that have climbed into my bed during the night. I need some space to think about recent events. I need some quietness so I can think. I just need a bit of time to sort a few things out in my head.
It seems that my poor brain might explode with all the thoughts and ideas swimming around. The constant list of To-Dos that need checked off and the multitude of other items that need my constant attention.
I just need a break.
I think about a cabin in the woods, or just a tent. Nothing around but me and the trees. Maybe the sound of a babbling brook in the background. As I think of how peaceful it would be I am reminded of how lonely I would be. I am not a person who is good at being alone. Never have been and probably never will be. I need someone to be near me even if we aren’t talking just so long as they are close then I am OK.
Then as I think some more I know I couldn’t leave the kids behind. I know there are way too many responsibilities here at home and I know that this is nothing more than a wishful fantasy. Maybe one day. So for now maybe we can all get away. Go camping and enjoy the great outdoors. Maybe I can take the kids for a LONG hike and put them to bed early. I can stay up and watch the stars, alone… but not alone, and just think about nothing more than how peaceful it is.
I don’t know about you but I am ready to just get away for a bit.

What about today?

Original Blog Post April 24, 2016
I’m having a horrible dream, tossing and turning, and just can’t sleep well. I’m dreaming my husband is gone. He left and he isn’t coming back. I can feel such intense emotions and it feels so real I wake up with tears in my eyes.
I turn and reach for him but he’s not there. Then I realize its not just a dream but reality. Yes, he did walk out. A bit of panic sets in as I once again try to come to terms with the feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The feelings of broken trust and infidelity. The fear of what lies ahead.
How am I supposed to do this? I need someone to help me. He promised to be here. He promised to be a father to our children. He promised to quit drinking. He promised to be faithful to me. He promised to take care of us. But he couldn’t keep those promises so he left.
He is happy, for now. He expects me to sit and wait until this ‘phase’ passes and he feels the urge to change. He admits he may never feel the need to change, but he might, one day.
What about today? What about tonight? I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. I want someone to wipe away my tears. I want to snuggle in the crook of an arm where I fit perfectly. I want to talk about the future and make plans. I want to fall asleep and dream of the memories I want to make to cherish when I’m old.
There is no pause button in LIFE… It just keeps happening whether we want it to or not. It will keep going on and we have to go with it.
I remember some words in a song I heard earlier by Chris Cagle… Breathe in, breathe out… That’s what I do. Take it moment by moment, day by day. That’s all I can do. There might come a day when he wakes up and sees what he left but I don’t know if I’ll still be waiting.
I try to stay busy so I don’t think about it. Its in the dark of the night when the feelings hit the hardest. So I’ll pray. God will listen, he will wipe away my tears, he will replace my fears with hope, and he will be there for me.
Always.

So What Now?

Original Blog Post May 6, 2016
It’s been 10 days since I went to court for the Final Hearing on our divorce. It seemed like a dream. I knew it would eventually be finished but I dreaded the day when it was. Yesterday my now ex-husband texted and wanted to know, ‘So are we divorced now or what?’. I replied sarcastically, ‘What’s the big hurry?’.
Needless to say that wasn’t the best reply but it did prompt me to check the clerk of courts website. There I learned that the Final Judgment had been entered. I passed along the information to my ex that we are indeed divorced. Today I received my court documents.
Now my question is ‘What do I do now?’. I mean he has already ‘moved on’. I don’t know that I’m ready for that step yet as the pain is still so fresh. The wound is closing but it still hurts. I am afraid to trust anyone. I wonder if anyone will want me with all my kids. They come first, as always.
Sigh, I don’t know how I can feel so lonely when I am always surrounded by kids. Doesn’t seem possible but it is.
I’ve read some articles about what to do after a divorce. I just don’t have the energy or the heart to go out anywhere. I don’t think a lot of those article are geared towards moms with multiple children either. Our parenting plan is a little different so my kids are always with me. That may change in the future if certain conditions are met but for now its me. Yes, he will come and see them at our home but he rarely stays more than 1-2 hours. That doesn’t give me much free time considering it takes 20-30 minutes to get to town from here.
So first things first I guess. I called some about some financial things that needed cleared up. I’ve completed all the proper paperwork, made all the copies to attach to said paperwork, and tomorrow I will go by the bank to get the info I need from there. It will give me a little peace of mind when this is taken care of. Then maybe I can focus on other areas.
We’ve started going to a new church. The kids really love it and I like it too. A lot of the activities are geared towards couples. While I am happy to see so many happy couples it saddens me a lot because I feel left out. They do have some activities for us homeschooling families and we really enjoy participating.
I thought about going camping alone or maybe even fishing for the day but I am afraid. There are always weird stories that you hear and there have been lots of major shootings/killings around here lately.
Then considering I have been married for most of my adult life it is hard to be alone. I don’t know how to be alone.
They say to keep busy. Duh!? I am raising 6 kids on my own. They constantly need food and clothes, there are baths to give, clothes to wash, a house to keep clean, a yard to mow, gardens to weed, and animals to feed. Did I mention that we homeschool too? Not to mention that I help with my dad’s farm too. I have a daughter getting married soon too. That’s a lot but I still get lonely.
They say to invite friends over for dinner. Well, we moved here a few years ago and life has been busy so I haven’t made many friends. A lot of the friends I did have were mutual acquaintances and they sided with him as they had known him longer.
Some say to have a glass of wine to relax. Not a good idea to drink alone, trust me on this one.
So that leaves me with what do I do now? Well, I’ve started praying more. I mean GOD delivered Joseph out of a pit, he was sold as a slave, tricked and put in prison and later became the second most powerful ruler in Egypt. If GOD can do that for him surely he can help me too.
Daniel prayed three times a day, so I have set aside three times a day to pray too. I need GOD. I don’t want to feel alone. He says he will never desert us nor forsake us and I trust him. I know he will bring me through this and make me a stronger and more successful person in the end. He is using this experience to shape me into the person he wants me to be. I have to have faith that good will come out of all of this.
GOD will speak to us when we need him. I was feeling a little sad this morning and my 7 year old looked at me and said, ‘Momma, you know GOD loves you too!.’ Yes, indeed I do know that but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded.
So for now I am going to finish my grocery list, get the little ones in bed, and talk to GOD!
Good night ya’ll!

Trying to find a new balance

Original Blog Post May 20, 2016
I haven’t posted in a bit as I’ve been so busy here at home. We went on a camping trip to RELAX… yeah, not a lot of relaxing when you take kids and grandpa with you. It was a very fun and interesting trip though. I will definitely want to do it again soon.
For now though we just finished up school and we are still working on wedding plans. I managed to get most of my post divorce paperwork and changes completed. Now I am just waiting for everything to ‘get situated’ and return to ‘normal’. Whatever that may be. I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately, mainly my sanity at times. I’ve tried a few new things and looking forward to exploring new places around me. There are so many things that I want to do and try.
One of those things was fishing, from a boat, and we did that this past weekend. It was WONDERFUL! I think I am a saltwater fishing addict now. On the other hand I also have my kids to tend to and look after. They alone are enough to keep me busy. My house is a wreck right now and lets not even talk about the yard work.
So how do I find a happy balance between work and play? I’m working on that a little at a time. Lately it has been more tempting to play more but the house work is starting to tell on me. So this weekend will probably be spent cleaning and taking care of yard work. I still get overwhelmed at times, dealing with post divorce stuff and planning my daughter’s wedding. Not too mention stress when things don’t go as planned like a NO SHOW for visitation. Or when the kids decide to act out at the same time. Its hard but I manage one day at a time and with lots of prayer.
I know I fail every day in one way or another but I just pray for forgiveness and strength to keep pressing on. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best each day. I know that every day will get easier and that sometimes I will have really bad days but they will pass. All of these struggles will shape me into a stronger person and I am so thankful for that.

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We need mentors

 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, – Titus 2:4
Original Blog Post April 23, 2016
I don’t know about you but I have began to hate watching the news. So many sad stories, murders, gang violence, school shootings,kidnappings and horrific things happening everywhere. Even our little country town makes it on the news, not because of good things, but because of some of the horrible things going on. It can make a person paranoid to leave the house. It can make you untrusting and suspicious of everyone you meet.
The stories that bother me the most are the ones that involve the innocent children, the helpless babies, yeah, maybe because I have so many little ones around me. It lays a heavy burden on my heart for those affected. Not always but too often we hear about drugs being involved or that CPS had been involved with the family prior to the tragedy. The neighbors will be on TV speaking about their worst fears coming true. Often these things are happening to young mothers. Mothers who may seem to be irresponsible, neglectful, and selfish. Why? Why are there so many of these tragedies? Why did no one see the danger? Why was no one there to help?
Too often these mothers never had a good role model to look up to when they were growing up. They are just doing as they have learned by previous generations. Maybe they were overwhelmed by the stress of life and they turned to drugs alcohol. Maybe they were lonely and needed a friend and the only ones they could find were not really the ones they should be around. Often rejection and loneliness leads to poor decisions. Such decisions as leaving your most precious gifts with someone who is really a stranger. Yes, maybe he fills an empty spot in your life. Maybe he treats you like a princess. Maybe he is really good to your kids when you are around. If you don’t really know that person and you don’t know how they handle stress then don’t leave your kids with them.
We need more older mommas helping the younger mommas. More older women in the church reaching out to those who may not even know they need help. The younger women need someone to turn to, someone to go to when they need help. Sadly though they usually don’t ask for help until its too late. So many things could be avoided if we just followed the words that God has written for us in Titus. He tells us that the older women can teach the younger women. I know I fail at this myself. I don’t feel as though I am a good role model for others at times. I try not to judge because I don’t know the whole story. But how many more times will we need to hear, “I didn’t know yesterday would be the last day I got to hold my daughter and tell her how much I loved her?’.
It’s so sad. Again these are just a few thoughts I had running through my head. I don’t know the answer but maybe if we all work together we can find an answer together.

Another Day

Another Day Original Blog Post April 21, 2016
I’m sitting here trying to finish a cup of coffee before anyone else wakes up. After my overwhelming day yesterday which has been full of weeks and months of overwhelming days I really need a break. I’m not picky, I’ll take them whenever I can get them.
I hope everyone is a little less stressed and overwhelmed as I am. I am telling myself that today will be better than yesterday and I am determined that it will be. The past few weeks have been hard, so very hard emotionally, mentally and physically. The stress of divorce is taking is toll on me in every way. We had a bout of the flu a few weeks ago and I feel like I just can’t get over it. Not to mention that I have had a headache almost every day for the past month. (I suffer from migraines.) I probably should go to the doctor but with no insurance it would probably cost me a small fortune.
It seems that everything has just been irritating me lately. The kids have been so loud. The phone rings too many times. Nothing I do seems to go as planned. Unexpected bills keep popping up. One of the kids keeps bossing everyone around and another one’s favorite word is ‘Butthead’. I know I’m just stressed so I have to keep reminding myself that I need to slow down and BREATHE!
Yesterday I had to take a small break, in my closet, to ask GOD to help me get through the evening. Afterwards I felt renewed and I was able to get the island cleared. I designated one of the girls to clean the playroom, and another to put away some dishes in the lower cabinets. The kids took turns coming and getting ‘assignments’ from me as I fixed dinner. The playroom was cleaned and every room was fairly neat before dinner. I pulled out the paper plates and served dinner. (I would’ve opted for pizza but the drive to get it just seemed to much.)
I was kind of craving a glass of wine but I don’t have any alcohol in the house so I opted for a glass of Coca Cola and a piece of leftover chocolate from Easter.
After dinner everyone seemed a little quieter. The girls cleared the table and swept the floors while I gave the little boys a bath. Watching the water drain made me remember what I had forgotten earlier. So I grabbed the drain tool and cleared the hair out of it. I finished up the kitchen, fixed the coffee pot for the morning, started the dishwasher and sat with the kids until it was their bedtime.
When they were settled in bed I took a couple minutes and jotted down some things I need to work on for today like picking out some wedding outfits for the little boys so big sister can approve them, clearing off the top of my desk, clearing off the work area of my desk, putting away the piles of school papers into the portfolios, and trying on the outfit I plan to wear to court next week.
Then I went to bed. I lay in bed every night and try my best to fall asleep. Sleep doesn’t come easy. I lay there and I pray. I pray about everything and I thank GOD for all he has done. I pray that he will take away the pain I feel both physical and emotional. I’ve prayed that he would have his way, not mine, in this situation. I pray that he will build a hedge of protection around my family and me. I thank him for all he has done for me and my family. I know I don’t thank him enough and he is so good to me. It always ends in tears. The pain seems so unbearable at times and it seems like it will never get easier. All I can do is cry out for GOD to help me with this and help me get to a place where it doesn’t hurt so bad. I have to pray for the strength to get through the next day, and the next. It is getting easier but it still hurts every time I find an old note, an old picture, or a forgotten memory pops up.
Its so easy to let it get you down. You need to stay on guard. This is when the DEVIL likes to sneak in. Ask GOD to put a hedge around you and your family. GOD will protect you and give you the strength you need when you feel you just can’t go on. Trust me, I know! I’ve been there so many times lately. I don’t deserve the mercy and grace he shows me everyday. I really hope everyone has a BLESSED day!

I Can’t Do it by Myself!

Original Blog Post April 20, 2016
Earlier today as the kids were cleaning up for lunch work I sent the 4 year old to tidy up the playroom. It was a mess which had mostly been created by his younger brother and himself. He went in and immediately said, ‘Momma, I can’t do it by myself!.’. I explained to him that if he would just choose one thing at a time to put away he could indeed do it by himself. He put away all the books and then he attempted to put the cushions back on the couch and chair. He couldn’t do it. I watched him try and try. He struggled but he kept on trying.
Finally he asked me for help. I was sitting here at my desk, which I had taken a picture of earlier because I planned to clean it up and post the before/after pics to one of my groups, and looked at the piles of paper. There are school papers, bills, books to read, books that need put away, sigh… I could go on and on. I got up and pulled the top down over the mess.
Then I saw the mess on top of the desk. Projects I’ve been working on, copy paper that needs put away, stacks of mail for my older kids, notes about appointments to make, and so much more. I turn to the island and start to clear it. There is a note that simply says ‘pantyhose, receipt book, tea’, seems like an odd combination but that was some things I remembered when I was in the shower this morning. Everything has been taken care of and has been crossed off so I throw it into the trash. There are several of these notes laying around the house as I have to jot everything down or I will forget.
The kids are yelling for me as someone is taking turns on the swing. My dad needs me outside to look at something. The phone rings and it is a telemarketer. My special needs son is having a melt down and as I notice that he needs a haircut, which may or may not result in another melt down. Then I remember that I forgot to do something, but what was it? Was it important?
As I stop and look around I see there is a grocery list to finish. Sales to look up. Coupons to clip. Floors to vacuum and mop. Things to dust and polish. The windows have little hand prints and smudges everywhere. The yard needs mowed. I still need to plant the stuff I bought over the weekend. My list goes on and on.
I go to bed so tired that I can’t sleep. I wake up before I’m rested to start again. My body hurts. My head hurts. My body hurts. Sometimes it just feels like too much. I feel OVERWHELMED! I just want to cry! I can’t do it alone!
I realize that I’ve been running around trying to clean up my messes and get my stuff in order but I can’t do it alone. I need to take some time and have a little heart to heart with GOD. Maybe you’ve recently been widowed or divorce? You’ve not only lost your partner but your friend. You have no one to talk to when things are going rough, or when you have exciting news. You feel utterly alone. It can be so scary. You feel confused when the person you thought you knew has turned into a complete stranger.
Life is hard. Keeping up with a house is hard. Taking care of a family is hard. Its all hard enough when you are married and have someone to share the responsibilities. When that someone leaves and you find yourself all alone doing all the work it makes it that much harder. Maybe you can ‘keep up appearances’ for a little while like I did. Then when it sinks in that they aren’t coming back you have a whole new sense of being overwhelmed. That has been me for the past month or so since the papers were filed. Now as our court date approaches I know it’s over and I feel almost as hurt and overwhelmed as I did when he first left.
So what do you do? First, have a talk with GOD. Confide in him. Ask him for the strength you need. Ask him for guidance. He is there for you!
Second, I would fix a drink or snack and make a list. Then decide what needs done first, second and so on.
Third, take a deep breath and get to work. It doesn’t matter what you do just choose one thing and get started! Try to handle top priorities first.
Make sure to take frequent breaks to re-energize. I have found that when I am upset I have a lot of energy so I try to put it to good use by cleaning or organizing. Lately though the kids have been a little crazy and it seems almost impossible to get even the basic things done.
I have my routines on my phone. When I have these days, which they have been quite frequent lately, then I pull out my phone. (You could have them on paper or wherever is best for you to have easy access for them.) I look at my list and work on it. If I remember something that isn’t normally on my list, check to see if I have pantyhose to go with my suit, then I write it down on a sheet of paper.
Letting go of perfection is another thing when you are feeling overwhelmed. Is there something the kids or someone else can help you with? Ok, maybe they won’t clean the windows the way you would but at least the windows would be clean. Maybe they don’t fold the towels like you do but you could check that off your list. Involving the kids can help keep them occupied so you can get other tasks finished.
When you come to something that is really hard then ask for help or break it up into smaller chunks. I hate cleaning the refrigerator so I might just clean the top shelf one day and another shelf the next. If I’m trying to fix dinner and the 2 year old is screaming for a drink I might ask the 9 year to get it for him. If I’m out of milk and my son says he is going to town I’ll ask him to grab some milk. Remember, if you feel overwhelmed just stop and take a breath. It’s OK to cry and scream (you may just want to scream into your pillow so you don’t scare the kids). Just don’t sit down or throw your hands in the air and give up!
Don’t forget to PRAY!