This week has been hard, really hard. It has been painful and upsetting. I have been dealing with a lot of gossip and rumors for what seems like an eternity. Every time things get bad I have tried to find the source to no avail. However there has always been one person in the center of it who wants to know everything.
This person is a family member. This person is someone I should be able to trust to look out for my best interests and well being. I don’t know how anyone could constantly want to keep stirring up trouble for others, especially those who are close to them.
It seems that every time things are going well for me or my family then the rumors start. If my attention seems to be going to someone other than this person then the rumors start. If I seem to be having too much fun or enjoying life too much then the rumors start.
I always seem to be the last person to hear about it. Then when things get really bad someone will let me know what they’ve heard. Then it always seems that there have been previous tales that no one wanted to mention but considering the latest news they feel the need to mention them. This time it has been said that some of the rumors can not be repeated and that everyone knows I would not have done what was said.
The pain from this can get almost unbearable and can cut through my soul like a knife. When I hear the rumors I know that it is someone close to me and that breaks my heart. My heart has been broken so many times in just the past few months that it is scarred more than you can imagine.
It leaves a person afraid to trust anyone. I don’t have many close friends because of this. I don’t want to possibly drag anyone else into this constant drama that I am dealing with on regular basis.
When confronted this person does not seem to have any remorse for the damage and pain they have inflicted on me, my family, and others around us. They deny any knowledge of who could be responsible or why they would be doing it. They always pass the blame on to others and say it is because of jealousy. They can build a convincing case against anyone.
The sad thing is that this person can also convince others that the gossip they spread is true. The rumors have gotten outrageous and out of control lately. I had chosen to ignore them thinking that the ‘do nothing’ approach would quiet the storm. It only seemed to make it worse and this person redirected their attacks on me.
There is usually a bit of truth to the gossip they tell, as is usually the case with gossip. However they embellish the stories and take them way out of proportion. They intentionally add details to hurt others and to cause people to question one another’s true character and morals.
This week, as in times before, these rumors and lies have caused major misunderstandings between my ex husband and myself. It has taken us a long time to get to the friendly place we have been at lately but now that relationship is strained again. This in turn has affected our children as he has not come to visit them or to take our little birthday girl out to dinner.
Earlier in the week I was on a mission to track down the source, once again. I made several calls and sent a few texts. I finally came to one conclusion after talking to many different people. That conclusion was that the person who I had confronted about the situation before was indeed the one who started the gossip yet again. Granted, each and every individual who passed on the gossip is guilty too, but this person is in my house everyday.
I have struggled a lot this week to treat this individual in respectable way. I want to scream and yell at them. I want them to experience the hurt and pain they have caused me. They saw me in tears Sunday night when I learned of the rumors. They listened when I explained part of what was going on and yet they showed no emotions, no remorse, nothing. They immediately pointed the finger at a person I hadn’t talked to more than once in the past few months.
I admit I have been a bit cold towards this person this week. I admit I don’t know how to handle this situation. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I pray when he comes in the door, when he sits and watches TV, when he leaves, even when he isn’t here. I pray that God will give me wisdom when I speak to him and that he will give me the words to say. I pray that he will give me the strength to get through each and every day because I know that it will get easier as the days go by. This is a lesson I have learned so many times just this past year.
Do you know what has kept me from acting out towards this person? Love. I love this person and I could not cause them the pain and hurt that they have caused me. I know God loves this person too. God loves me and He has shown me that love time and time again. I have to pray when it is hard that He will help m continue to show His love, mercy, and grace. That He will not let my light be dimmed by this situation.
When we truly love someone we want the best for them, even if it hurts us. We share in their joys and triumphs. We grieve with them when they are hurt or have lost something important. We encourage the ones we love and we do our best to build them up and support them. Even if we have the chance to expose their flaws and shortcomings, we don’t if we truly love them.
I pray that God will touch his heart and help him see what he is doing. He doesn’t just do it to me but to everyone around him. I pray for God to help me to forgive him but also that God will help me not to give him an opportunity to spread any more lies about me. His lies have caused major misunderstandings with a close friend of mine also. I have pretty much given up on repairing that friendship and have left it in God’s hands. I pray that God will build a hedge around me, my family, and my friends to protect us from this gossiper.
I also pray that God will keep reminding me that it is Satan who is working through this person to get to me. I am trying my best to remember that and it makes me pray even harder for this person.
I keep reminding myself that nothing that happens today can separate me from God’s love or God’s will for me. He loves me no matter what has been said and He knows me. He knows where my heart is and He knows what I’ve done or not done. In the end that is all that really matters.