Original Blog Post-April 24, 2016
I’m having a horrible dream, tossing and turning, and just can’t sleep well. I’m dreaming my husband is gone. He left and he isn’t coming back. I can feel such intense emotions and it feels so real I wake up with tears in my eyes.
I turn and reach for him but he’s not there.
Then I realize its not just a dream but a reality.
Yes, he did walkout.
A bit of panic sets in as I once again try to come to terms with the feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The feelings of broken trust and infidelity. The fear of what lies ahead.
How am I supposed to do this?
I need someone to help me. He promised to be here. He promised to be a father to our children. He promised to quit drinking. He promised to be faithful to me. He promised to take care of us. But he couldn’t keep those promises so he left.
He is happy, for now. He expects me to sit and wait until this ‘phase’ passes and he feels the urge to change. He admits he may never feel the need to change, but he might, one day.
What about today? What about tonight?
I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. I want someone to wipe away my tears. I want to snuggle in the crook of an arm where I fit perfectly. I want to talk about the future and make plans. I want to fall asleep and dream of the memories I want to make to cherish when I’m old.
There is no pause button in LIFE…
It just keeps happening whether we want it to or not. It will keep going on and we have to go with it.
I remember some words in a song I heard earlier by Chris Cagle… Breathe in, breathe out… That’s what I do. Take it moment by moment, day by day. That’s all I can do. There might come a day when he wakes up and sees what he left but I don’t know if I’ll still be waiting.
I try to stay busy so I don’t think about it.
It is in the dark of the night when the feelings hit the hardest. So I’ll pray. GOD will listen, HE will wipe away my tears, HE will replace my fears with hope, and HE will be there for me.