Original Blog Post-May 26, 2016
Even though my last relationship ended badly and I was hurt beyond belief, I survived. I know that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. That’s OK. We are working on being better people and being the best possible parents we can be to our children. We just weren’t good together.
I didn’t want to admit it at first but it soon became painfully clear that we just didn’t click anymore. It was hard to admit that to myself as I felt like a failure. I desperately clung to the dreams we had made and I tried so hard to make him feel the way he felt in the beginning.
That was a big part of the problem.
I couldn’t change his feelings and I resented him for not wanting what I wanted. I resented him for a lot of things. Mostly I resented him for being happy without me and without our family.
Does this mean that I still resent him? Maybe, sometimes, yes. It still hurts to know that he could just walk away from what I felt that we had. It hurts that he could walk away from our family as he did. It’s not fun and I hate that he left me alone. I felt like that was so totally unfair.
Well, that’s on him. I can only control how I feel and what I do. If he felt that I wasn’t what he wanted then that’s OK.
If he felt that his family was too much of a burden and that they were cramping his lifestyle then that’s OK too.
I know that there is still a chance that I may find my happily ever after. Maybe I already have. My relationship status doesn’t define who I am or how I should feel. My past doesn’t necessarily define my future. The fact that I have a large family does make matters a little more complicated. I need to be aware of how everything affects my family.
That doesn’t mean that I can’t dream.
I still believe in fairy tales because I know that GOD has a plan for each and every one of us. Maybe it won’t be a knight in shining armor that steals my heart away but I know there are still good men out there. They may be really hard to find but I know they are there. There are men who put their families first and who work hard each and every day. They aren’t afraid to get dirty and they will do what it takes to get the job done. They can be tough as nails but still, be sensitive when you need a shoulder to cry on.
I believe there will come one who takes my breath away and causes my heart to flutter. One who makes me smile at just the thought of him and I know he will feel the same about me. One who will wash away all the pain from my past and show me how it feels to be treated right.
So, for now, I will be patient. I will try every day to be a better person than I was yesterday. I will be stronger and I will learn from my mistakes. I will have faith that my fairy tale will have a happy ending.